Storm, Storms and Stormy

A storm is raging outside at the moment, rain pattering down on my corrugated iron roof. It’s always been an amazing sound and no matter how heavy it gets it’s always soothing.

There’s thunder in the distance and every now and again the lightning illuminates the edges of my blinds.

A week ago, I wouldn’t have been able to appreciate any of this.

I went into a flat spin, losing height quickly and not being able to pull myself up. It was terrifying mostly because it’s the worst one I’ve experienced in a long time but also because it had no trigger. Somehow it just happened.

And then on Thursday I managed to get my nose down and dive. If you’re familiar with planes you know what that means. As you plummet you gain control, and as you gain control you start to pull yourself out of the spin.

I had just gained control when Alan Walker’s Force came on and that was the end of the spin, and somehow, the end of the spell of depression.

I’m still not entirely back to normal, I’m slowly starting to talk to people again but I haven’t launched myself into that as far as I could, but I think that’s for the best. My control is still shaky and I don’t know what could set of the plunge again.

One thing that has come to mind though is something that has hurt me pretty much constantly for a good few years now. I had a friend named Storm. Her and I chatted constantly and it was always amazing fun.

Then she stopped talking to me and no matter how many messages I sent her, that never changed.

I started wondering how she was towards the end of my episode. Maybe it’s time I send her another message.

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Plunge

I’ve always known that I’ve got a problem. One that drags me deep down into the abyss of pain and self-pity that people call depression. It’s something that my family has experienced for as long as I can remember, to the point where various institutionalisations have happened as well as various forms of semi-torturous treatments.

Personally I’ve gone for neither. I generally just ride it out, wait for it to pass, smile at those around me and keep going.

Sometimes someone spots it. Sometimes they only think they do and they end up driving me deeper into it in an attempt to help something they do not understand.

I have certain triggers, not ones for this feeling, no. That would be too easy. Triggers that any other time are mild annoyances, or incredibly frustrating, but ones that nevertheless drive me downwards at an ever increasing pace if I get anywhere near where I am currently.

The last couple of days have not been good as far as those triggers are concerned, the feeling had engulfed me soon after the last post.

I’m fighting the urge to just delete this post, rationalise the deletion by saying no one wants to hear the whining. But I know there’s at least one person out there that’s going to want to actually see this, so, for them at the very least, I’ll post it.

Who knows… Maybe it’ll help me too.

Where am I? And Chapter 3.

So this week has been an odd one, with many things happening and spinning out and finally something good happening that almost managed to make me forget about all the things that I’ve been struggling with of late.

The difficulty writing the chapter of the project which I’ll be posting today has been something that’s sat on my mind for the latter half of the month. It’s bugged me often and many times without any sort of warning that it’s about to pop into my mind again. Having it finally complete is a great feeling.

One thing that I think may have been causing my semi-writer’s block was the fact that I had set out the section titles which ended up making me freak out when I had to write those sections because I couldn’t figure out anything that would actually fit the title.

Once I removed all the titles and the semi-set sections the writing came far easier. I know that it’s probably messy as anything and potentially broken as far as the flow is concerned but at least I managed to get it out. And since one of the ideas of this project is to get help correcting those moments of disjointedness which I have never been able to I’m not too fussed about that side.

Back to the title and the first paragraph though, I’ve spent most of the weekend gaming with friends which has been brilliant since it’s been seriously cold. The only not so good thing that happened though is that moisture got under my phone case’s screen which meant I had to try and remove it. In the process I ended up breaking that case and so now my phone is very naked 😛

Anyway, before I ramble on about something else completely random, below are the usual links for the story. As ever, please feel free to comment on it with corrections or suggestions.

PDF, Kindle, ePub

And as before, my email address is on the about page if you’d like to donate to me.

Names, Titles and Boxes

One of the most difficult parts of writing for me is coming up with names; not only those of characters, but also of chapters, sections or the entire piece. Most of my time spent writing many of these posts goes into picking a name, sometimes this takes days.

Other times, I’ll think of a name and throw it out the window the moment I actually pull up WordPress. This can be a little frustrating for obvious reasons.

Essentially why this is relevant is because, in the end, many people will read the title of something and they’ll judge whatever it is. Or otherwise people hear a person’s name and, depending on whether they’ve encountered a person with the same name before, they then judge the person based on that name.

Or, the most common judgement, is based on the box something it put in. On WordPress we use tags and categories, in life we use labels. Emo, Hipster, Christian, Satanist, Muslim and so on and so forth. In the end, we base so much of our opinion of people on what we call them that often the person underneath gets almost completely ignored.

So what happens when the person you meet has an unusual name, does not follow any identifiable social trend or faith and doesn’t have anything else that one can identify that person with.

You find out the ‘hard way’ what the person is like.

My life took an odd turn recently. The person I spoke of in the previous, the one of the tentative relationship, the timing is off for anything to happen. Her life has taken some interesting turns which make a relationship a very bad idea. Things that somehow I sort of knew about before they actually came to materialise.

And then on the other hand, the girl who I thought I was over and past messaged me to say that she had changed her mind and apologised to me. And so somehow, the whole timing thing comes into my life again, except in the exact reverse of what it did last time.

Anyway, that’s that.

Outside of ‘romance’, my life is in an odd place. I’m starting to show symptoms of the depression that I thought I had managed to repress, it’s starting to eat at my mind in ways that I hoped it never would again. I don’t know if it’s just a recent event that caused it or a series of smaller events that have me spiralling. I suspect it might be the latter which means that it’s not going to be easy trying to deal with the underlying cause.

“So what? Everyone’s depressed these days.” My mind insists on telling me. And it’s right, most everyone certainly seems like it. But it’s affecting my drive to be able to do the things that I enjoy and that bothers me.

On that subject my project, of which the next section is due in seven days, is proving difficult and I need to try and find some form of release soon otherwise writing it is going to be more of a challenge than it should be.

Hopefully this blog post will push me into it so here’s to hoping. 🙂

Love, Life and Lemons

No matter how much I think I understand of life I always find out just how little I actually know. It’s been a busy couple of weeks in a number of ways but the events that currently have me reeling are the worst series I’ve had to deal with in months.

I told the girl who I wanted to give things a go with exactly that, and once again I got rebuffed. As this was the second time I started to force myself to calm down, to back off, to give her space and to try and work my mind away from her.

It worked.

Keeping in mind there were months between the two revelations and it was only after the second one that I figured, at this point, if she doesn’t like me she doesn’t like me.

So I managed to get my mind off her, and no sooner had I done that did I meet someone else, someone who’s had a bit of a rough time lately with ‘love’ as well. We’ve clicked before but there was never anything there but now… With no one else on either of our minds that click became a spark. And from there it’s grown into a tentative relationship.

Which is nice.

Except that now the girl above has decided that she likes me, and tonight I told her about meeting someone else…

Now, she wants nothing to do with me, and as much as I hate it I know that that’s her right. I’ve told her I’ll always be around, but I will respect her space.

 

Life has been interesting even without the above drama playing out. My brother came home from overseas and it’s been fun to have him around, work has been challenging but not too busy, and my gaming is going quite well.

I have neglected my writing a bit so far this month, but that will come. I’m thinking part of the next section needs to be an explanation at the beginning or the end of the ebooks to just actually explain what I’m doing and what I hope for when people read them.

 

And finally onto lemons.

Now, I’m not ‘religious.’ I don’t follow a faith even though I believe in an almighty entity that at the very least watches over us.

The girl who I’ve met is very religious. She’s Christian and believes strongly in God, The Holy Spirit and, most importantly to her, Jesus.

This has led to some very long and interesting discussions on everything from the bible through to the ancient civilizing figures of the Mayas and Aztecs.

In the end I managed to flesh out the vague picture of my faith beyond anything that I’ve ever managed before, and the lemon is part of that fleshing out.

My contention with the various prominent religions has been their focus on what I view as idols and such. The semi-worship of churches and statues, no matter what they may represent, seems to be to be against the very tenets of the faith. I also had a problem with the worship of ‘Jesus’ as I felt that it has become more about him and far less about the God that created him.

This is a problem for obvious reasons.

The analogy that led to us getting around this idea was this: A lemon has three parts (Ignoring the pips). The skin and rind, the segments, and the juice. Worshipping God, Holy Spirit and Jesus as separate entities to me seems like forgetting that the Lemon exists.

The other problem with the focus on Jesus is this: There are many figures throughout history and throughout different cultures that share the stories of Jesus. From miracle healing to resurrection to being seen as a great teacher. Quetzalcoatl and Viracocha are two that come to mind.

So my thought was this, time has been seen as a type of wheel. Things happen and they happen again and again with slight twists each time. What if all these civilising figures were different iterations of the same ‘creation.’ If God created the universe with a Word, and then created his ‘Sons’ with that same word, it stands to reason that they would share stories and features.

Many of the civilising figures from ancient times were depicted as white, bearded men in flowing robes. Very similar to the apparently wrong depiction of Jesus.

If any of you are familiar with procedurally generated worlds in gaming think of it like this: Jesus is the seed of our universe. The big bang was that moment as the game accepts the seed and begins to build. The expansion of the universe is the world getting generated further afield.

If you prefer the idea of fractals, the universe is one of those wonderful equations that lead to a fractal, and the Word is the values of x and y and z that lead to the unique pattern that one sees.

Anway, hopefully the wall of text doesn’t scare you all away 🙂 I’d love to hear your thoughts on this 🙂

Chapter 2 and other developments

So I managed to write the second section of the story, the beginning of the actual body as such and the introduction for how the world will become. I will post it the same way as last time at the bottom.

In the meantime, my life got complicated fast. The crush that I wanted to take somewhere in the previous post went nowhere, or rather, she blew me off again. I can understand why but at some point you realise you’re bashing your head against a wall and you stop… So I stopped.

It’s a difficult decision due to the fact that I still find her really interesting and I really am curious as to what a relationship with her might end up being like. But again, to pursue it anymore might actually cross into the realms of creepy obsessive.

In the meantime I met someone else a while ago. They were nice, intelligent, pretty… And engaged. So I stayed away from anything even vaguely resembling anything there. She’s the sort of person who not only could I feel that she would not do anything outside of her relationship, but she’s also the sort of person who can demand respect for their decisions.

At the beginning of this month (so far as I understand) she broke off her engagement. We ended up at the same place at the same time, things sparked and developed into more and we’re now trying to figure out if things would work together. As I’m not religious and in fact am fairly vocal opposition to many of the core tenets of her faith, there could be a problem moving forward.

That being said, she’s pretty open-minded to what I have to say and vice versa.

Anyway, short one today since really I came here to post the chapter. Please remember, this is a work in progress and I would love feedback, from telling me I misspelled a word somewhere to letting me know that a section does not flow nicely. This second chapter wasn’t easy to write and I feel I need feedback on it so comment away and I look forward to posting the next section that I’ve written next month.

PDF, Kindle, ePub

And as before, my email address is on the about page if you’d like to donate to me.

Thanks 🙂

 

PS: Would you guys prefer I post the entire up to date story everytime or just what’s new?

Progress

So…

Soon after my last post I began my story. It progressed well, getting through the first chapter as quickly as I had hoped. The story feels right and so far, the couple of people who have read it enjoyed it. I will be attaching it to this post… Somehow. Once I figure out how 😛

So far as Paypal is concerned I had varying levels of success with them. From my first message being completely missed (I did send it in the middle of the night on a weekend, sure, but I then later got a survey on my level of satisfaction -_-), to the last one which had a succinct and accurate answer to my query. Subsequently I have now been able to create a ‘Pay Now’ Button. Not ideal, since the amounts attached to it are fixed and I honestly don’t know whether I should add more options or what, but on that note I’ll wait for feedback on whoever uses the button. I don’t particularly want to give out my email address, hence the need for it.

EDIT: Which ended up being useless since WordPress blocks Paypal buttons and the steps they list on how to fix it don’t work anymore…

On to life though, I’ve made my decisions, and I’m pushing myself to stick to them, to hopefully stop myself from doubting that they’re the right ones and throw myself at them with reckless abandon. Currently, with the way things have been, they can almost only get better.

I finished a project that I had been working on for a couple of months, that project is related to the ‘crush’ that I spoke of last time that I want to work out. Along with that, we bumped into each other today (More accurately, she spotted me and skidded into me :P) It was difficult, as always with her, for me not to be completely awkward and uncertain of myself but I didn’t walk away cursing myself. Instead I had this silly little smile that stuck with me for a fair amount of the day.

I had a situation over the weekend that pushed my mind almost to its limits. I had to deal with a fight that had been brewing for almost nine weeks now (not my fight). I walked in in the middle of one of the escalations and then got pulled into it, at which point I pushed back at both sides and eventually got everything to the point where not only was the escalation resolved, apparently the two slight escalations since then ended up with both parties in better places than they’ve been able to get to for months because they didn’t let it all explode, instead defusing the situation the moment it began to show.

Anyway, enough rambling. First edition of first chapter is attached, and hopefully somewhere along the sides of the side you’ll see a Paypal button (if you’re reading on the site rather than through the wordpress reader I imagine.)

EDIT: Paypal buttons don’t work on WordPress so my email address is on the about page.

Oh, and, one of my test readers suggested I add a trigger warning. One of the characters is abused in the story.

epub, mobi and PDF formats are available.

Webs, Crushes and Fear

It’s been a while since I last posted; between being worn out from work, a couple of mild anxiety attacks and just being plain tired I haven’t really taken part in anything creative for a while.

I’ve had ideas, that’s not where the issue comes in, and what’s most frustrating is the fact that many of the ideas have actually been really good. Two of them I’m hoping to start to get a move on.

I wrote a story once that I’m not sure if I still have a copy of somewhere (A crypto virus ripped through my computer and by the time I identified it the site that could decrypt it was closed down). It was mostly about the main character’s actions with a fallen angel. I’d like to try and rewrite it from my current point in life. I always enjoyed that story, and it’s one of the few that I actually completed.

The other idea is a sort of work in progress publishing thing. Probably with the above story I was thinking of sticking a donate button somewhere and then writing the story piece by piece, publishing it into e-book format as I go along and essentially asking the community to edit it with regards to bad grammar, awkward sections and poor spelling.

But anyway, onto the subjects in the title, I’ll start with fear since the other two kind of feed off of that one.

A lot of my life is governed by fear. Much of my motivation is sapped by it. Specifically the fear of failure. Although there are many fears that affect me, most of them I can overcome.

But my fear of failure somehow stops me from even trying to do things. The two ideas above would already be going if it weren’t the fear involved in starting something like that. “What if I can’t produce a section each month/week/whatever?”; “What if people don’t like it?”; “Will I be able to keep going if no one responds?”

I know that the answer is normally positive but even though my mind tells me I’m being silly for letting all that stop me, it doesn’t change that it does stop me.

Which brings me onto the webs. The webs are my mind’s way of exploring a situation or possibility, no matter how vague. They start at now and then my mind has conversations and envisages paths down which the situation could move. Eventually if I step back mentally and look at the constructs they look like webs.

The most common webs are people related ones. Of course lately those don’t happen too often, they got too intricate and messed up a couple of friendships which I am only now starting to become comfortable with.

But those webs are starting to form again, which brings me to crushes.

Of which I have three.

One is one that was destroyed by a web before, so the fact that a web is re-forming around it is kind of worrying.

One is one that has been hidden deep for a very long time. It’s the oldest crush and that web is frayed and weak, unable to actually truly form because I’ve convinced myself that nothing could ever happen because nothing ever has.

And the third is the worst one. It could destroy many lives if the first strand is laid out as I see it in my head.

The problem with these webs is apart from the first one mentioned here, my webs have almost always been accurate. Which means the second two might actually form and solidify… The two that I don’t want to go near.

Anyway, there it is, my mind on the table for all to see. I’m pretty lost at the moment so if anyone replies I’ll gladly have a discussion with you. 🙂

Physicists…

It’s been a pretty hectic couple of weeks. With a couple of public holidays thrown into the mix it’s made the normal work days seem insufficient for everything that needs to be done.

I thought about it logically though and really, it shouldn’t have. The way my work week normally goes I only generally have four days of solid work and one day to mop up the week.

Anyhow, that is in fact a digression (right off the bat, no less), as a result of these compressed weeks I have not really been able to do much when I get home. I end up passing out most days from sheer mental exhaustion (I work as an all round IT Technician). Normally my mind shuts down at this point and when I wake up, often hours after my alarm (which has a maths sum set on it before it will switch off) has already gone off.

Today, exactly that happened again but I head a dream. The dream itself feels pointless but one thing that was said in the dream really stuck with me. The world I was in seemed fairly futuristic with most everything feeling much higher than what I’m used to. At one point I met the man responsible for this whole floating mess and he explained to me how he’d done it. Or rather, he gave me a cryptic one liner which I then had to figure out for myself.

He said, “I discovered Newton”.

My response… somehow, not entirely sure how, was “Oh, not how it works but why?”

Which I’m pretty sure was referring to the discovery of the graviton particles. Which haven’t been discovered apparently yet, just theorized.

This idea behind the world was, what if once this particle is discovered, and then people figure out how to turn it off. If there was a way to turn off those particles, and then turn them back on, it would allow for travel much like flight or rather swimming through air.

Anyway, that was what I felt a strange need to get out of my head. For any physicists out there, I imagine turning off the particles would be a case of stopping their spin but then again, I say that like it’s simple but I’m not a physicist so I wouldn’t know any better 😛

((And as another ignorant aside: what if one attempted to de-spin a mass of particles by 2 and then watch which massless ones stop entirely?))

Hmm…

First off, I wildly underestimated my friend as far as the frequency of her blog posts go 😛

Beyond that though I had so many things swirling around in my head to write about, yet sitting here now I’m fishing around for them and can not find one. So, I’m going to just ‘close my eyes’ and write whatever comes to mind. It’ll probably be easier.

I tend to do things impulsively, worrying about the future that that will cause only for a moment in the moment before whatever it is occurs. I write like that, I live like that. It means that in my life I tend to end up doing far more than could potentially be healthy for me and sometimes I feel that.

But I’ve seen people who work the other way, who plan everything, who try and control every aspect of their lives. So often I feel they’re missing out on the very thing they’re planning for. They get to a situation where one of their plans come to fruition and they’re too busy planning the next thing to even notice.

Ah, one of those aforementioned ‘things’ has resurfaced. I have a situation where someone means the world to me. Not an entirely uncommon situation considering how much of my life I dedicate to those that allow me close. I tend to go overboard, end up being too intense and in the end I get left behind, often without ever being told why.

I have a gesture in mind for this person, something that I’ve worked on for more hours than I’ve been able to keep track of, upwards of fifteen spread over weeks. Whenever I have free time if I’m not working on it I’m thinking about it, how I can improve it and so on.

I want to actually finish the project soon and present it. But the target of the gesture… I don’t know if they’ll accept it, if they’ll reject it, if they’ll end up cutting me out like so many others have before…

Ugh… Anyway, onto happier things, I started looking into  web design a little further. Two out of the three CMS’s that I tried installed cleanly and I’ve been trying them out. So far I haven’t really done much other than change some colours but considering that the last time I looked at them I didn’t even get that far (My mind was not in a good place) it’s progress.