Ideas

Well, it’s been a while since I went into a blog post without a plan, but my head hurts and I’ve had a nosebleed and honestly I feel like writing. (Don’t ask :P)

It’s been an eventful couple of weeks, with dedication and trust playing a huge role in a couple of aspects, suspicion and anger in others. It’s unfortunate that in the same time where a major milestone was reached could be marred by petty people trying to hurt those around them.

It’s also been in these last few weeks that I’ve started to notice a change in behaviour in my boss. He’s gone from extremely stressed and focused on his stressor, to far less stressed but lashing out randomly. And the way he’s lashing out (and the reasons he’s doing it) make me think it might be a mild form of PTSD.

Now, the trauma that would have caused this is minor, we had someone around that was a habitual liar and would never admit to wrongdoing. Especially when someone actually complained about it.

There have now been a few times when things have occurred at work where someone has been an ass but Dave has immediately turned on me rather than backing me up and trying to find out what actually happened. He has immediately assumed the worst from me.

One of the times was my fault, I’d forgotten to do something that I should have done.

The other two though were not even vaguely because of me. Messages had not been passed on to those who needed to hear them and when that person then turned to Dave with a query about the very thing the message answered, Dave then turned on me, despite me saying specifically that I left a message to that effect.

The reason this has gotten to me isn’t because he’s not backing me up though. Yes, it was frustrating the way he addressed me with the query, and the animosity that he exhibited in the message, but when I answered him, he didn’t just take what I told him and relayed that, instead he seems to have re-interpreted it and so a few minutes later I got a call that I should never have gotten.

I don’t know what the call was about, it was a work matter way after work hours, but the fact that that person was calling me means that somewhere, someone took what I said and turned it into ammunition for their own issues.

And so, I’m going to have to deal with that on Monday.

 

But onto the ideas part of this post. A couple of fairly intelligent people close to me recently lost their jobs. Due to this they now have a lot of time.

This morning I thought of something that for some reason hadn’t occurred to me before. Between the two of them they could quite easily make a PC game with a little guidance. They have the patience and intelligence and attention to detail required, and one of them has the skills to actually guide the process.

If I do manage to convince them to consider it, I’ll keep you all updated 😛

Indecision

So what does one write about when nothing comes immediately to mind? It’s been a harrowing couple of weeks, with a lot going on, some that has been good, some not so much.

I know that I’ve been lucky, nothing outright bad has happened to me, but I’ve watched friends go through some terrible events and, although I know this is a selfish take on it, there’s been nothing I could do to help.

On the bright side of life I don’t feel so alone, I have a great bunch of people who are talking to me currently, and they are positive despite the things happening to them. They always seem to be able to summon up a smile and that really does help with my own fragile mental ecosystem.

On the down side my ever present need for physical affection has been difficult to control, with bouts of the loneliness that defined most of my life hitting me more and more often.

Unfortunately I’ve also made the mistake of re-reading Palace during this time. Every time I read it I identify with the characters, and seeing their interactions, both the ones who succeed and the ones who are forbidden from succeeding, tends to make me long for what they have.

It’s not all bad though. There’s something overwhelmingly romantic about forbidden thoughts in my mind, and so even if nothing can happen, chatting to people who something could happen with but controlling my own responses and making sure they could never guess has a sort of thrill that normal relationships lack.

There have been a couple of stand out moments recently though. Not to do with romance but rather to do with feedback. When I work I make sure that I do my best to make myself welcome. I chat to people, make sure that I find out about them and instead of each person just being a customer I work on trying to make them feel like I’m one of them, like I’m part of whichever team they are on. Obviously this works better in places where the people actually get along with each other but even in places where they don’t, I listen to gripes and don’t take sides.

This last couple of weeks have seen people starting to accept me in more places and that always makes me feel like I’m doing the right thing.

One last thing and this is definitely a highlight. My mom recently bought herself a gaming PC, a stunning beast with a sixth gen i5, 16GB of RAM and a GTX1060 6GB graphics card. I got to set it up and play on it and being able to return to PC gaming… There are very few better feelings to me 😛

Anyway, enough rambling. I can feel my hubbly kicking in (It’s clean, forbidden substances do not appeal to me) and so it’s time to go work on The Fallen. Hopefully my writer’s block dissipates 😀

Repetition

One of my big challenges with this blog is that many of the things I face day to day are the same things that I would usually write about. While this might suggest that it should be easy to write due to the huge amount that there is to write about, I hate repetition and so I struggle along, trying to remember what I’ve written before and trying to avoid repeating myself.

Luckily this week hasn’t been as dead as it could have been outside of those ‘usual’ things. I’ve managed to get myself writing far more regularly in the Fallen, averaging a section a day (there are normally about ten in a chapter) since Wednesday. Although this doesn’t sound like much if I manage to create a habit that maintains this schedule it will make my target of two chapters a month that much easier to maintain.

I also had an interesting idea for another character in the story, and a potential answer to one of the questions that had come up in my mind when I was writing it. But that will only come either at the end of this arch (an arch is about three chapters) and even then I can not say for sure since a lot could change in three chapters.

Back in the real world, I’m organising a beautiful gaming machine for someone, hoping to order it tomorrow and have it by the end of the week. With an i5-6500, 16GB of RAM and a 6GB GeForce 1060 card it’s going to be a wonderful machine, and on top of that I’ll likely get to use it often since the person I’m organising it for only has one game that they’d like to play – Obduction by Cyan Worlds.

I also have a very interesting new friend, someone who I’ve known for ages but never really have been able to completely loosen up around. We discovered in a fairly awkward exchange that the reasons we had been so up tight around each other were in fact the same on both side, the worry that the other person isn’t really interested but maintained contact because they had to.

Needless to say that the removal of those limits on the conversation have led to someone new to discover.

And finally yesterday was an amazing day. A group of us went out to the Lion’s River Craft Brewery and had an absolute blast. I’m not by nature a beer drinker, I can not stand the stuff, at least so I thought. The beers that we tasted and then ordered and drank yeserday were amazing. They are carbonated by yeast activation rather than by pumping CO2 through them and so they aren’t really fizzy.

Without the fizz of a standard beer I could actually taste what I was drinking and with the explanations of how everything was made, where the various ingredients came from and so on it made the experience a lot of fun.

Anyway, enough for now 🙂 Time to return to life 😛

 

Oh, and go have some fun – Get Jinxed

Love, Life and Lemons

No matter how much I think I understand of life I always find out just how little I actually know. It’s been a busy couple of weeks in a number of ways but the events that currently have me reeling are the worst series I’ve had to deal with in months.

I told the girl who I wanted to give things a go with exactly that, and once again I got rebuffed. As this was the second time I started to force myself to calm down, to back off, to give her space and to try and work my mind away from her.

It worked.

Keeping in mind there were months between the two revelations and it was only after the second one that I figured, at this point, if she doesn’t like me she doesn’t like me.

So I managed to get my mind off her, and no sooner had I done that did I meet someone else, someone who’s had a bit of a rough time lately with ‘love’ as well. We’ve clicked before but there was never anything there but now… With no one else on either of our minds that click became a spark. And from there it’s grown into a tentative relationship.

Which is nice.

Except that now the girl above has decided that she likes me, and tonight I told her about meeting someone else…

Now, she wants nothing to do with me, and as much as I hate it I know that that’s her right. I’ve told her I’ll always be around, but I will respect her space.

 

Life has been interesting even without the above drama playing out. My brother came home from overseas and it’s been fun to have him around, work has been challenging but not too busy, and my gaming is going quite well.

I have neglected my writing a bit so far this month, but that will come. I’m thinking part of the next section needs to be an explanation at the beginning or the end of the ebooks to just actually explain what I’m doing and what I hope for when people read them.

 

And finally onto lemons.

Now, I’m not ‘religious.’ I don’t follow a faith even though I believe in an almighty entity that at the very least watches over us.

The girl who I’ve met is very religious. She’s Christian and believes strongly in God, The Holy Spirit and, most importantly to her, Jesus.

This has led to some very long and interesting discussions on everything from the bible through to the ancient civilizing figures of the Mayas and Aztecs.

In the end I managed to flesh out the vague picture of my faith beyond anything that I’ve ever managed before, and the lemon is part of that fleshing out.

My contention with the various prominent religions has been their focus on what I view as idols and such. The semi-worship of churches and statues, no matter what they may represent, seems to be to be against the very tenets of the faith. I also had a problem with the worship of ‘Jesus’ as I felt that it has become more about him and far less about the God that created him.

This is a problem for obvious reasons.

The analogy that led to us getting around this idea was this: A lemon has three parts (Ignoring the pips). The skin and rind, the segments, and the juice. Worshipping God, Holy Spirit and Jesus as separate entities to me seems like forgetting that the Lemon exists.

The other problem with the focus on Jesus is this: There are many figures throughout history and throughout different cultures that share the stories of Jesus. From miracle healing to resurrection to being seen as a great teacher. Quetzalcoatl and Viracocha are two that come to mind.

So my thought was this, time has been seen as a type of wheel. Things happen and they happen again and again with slight twists each time. What if all these civilising figures were different iterations of the same ‘creation.’ If God created the universe with a Word, and then created his ‘Sons’ with that same word, it stands to reason that they would share stories and features.

Many of the civilising figures from ancient times were depicted as white, bearded men in flowing robes. Very similar to the apparently wrong depiction of Jesus.

If any of you are familiar with procedurally generated worlds in gaming think of it like this: Jesus is the seed of our universe. The big bang was that moment as the game accepts the seed and begins to build. The expansion of the universe is the world getting generated further afield.

If you prefer the idea of fractals, the universe is one of those wonderful equations that lead to a fractal, and the Word is the values of x and y and z that lead to the unique pattern that one sees.

Anway, hopefully the wall of text doesn’t scare you all away 🙂 I’d love to hear your thoughts on this 🙂

Hmm…

First off, I wildly underestimated my friend as far as the frequency of her blog posts go 😛

Beyond that though I had so many things swirling around in my head to write about, yet sitting here now I’m fishing around for them and can not find one. So, I’m going to just ‘close my eyes’ and write whatever comes to mind. It’ll probably be easier.

I tend to do things impulsively, worrying about the future that that will cause only for a moment in the moment before whatever it is occurs. I write like that, I live like that. It means that in my life I tend to end up doing far more than could potentially be healthy for me and sometimes I feel that.

But I’ve seen people who work the other way, who plan everything, who try and control every aspect of their lives. So often I feel they’re missing out on the very thing they’re planning for. They get to a situation where one of their plans come to fruition and they’re too busy planning the next thing to even notice.

Ah, one of those aforementioned ‘things’ has resurfaced. I have a situation where someone means the world to me. Not an entirely uncommon situation considering how much of my life I dedicate to those that allow me close. I tend to go overboard, end up being too intense and in the end I get left behind, often without ever being told why.

I have a gesture in mind for this person, something that I’ve worked on for more hours than I’ve been able to keep track of, upwards of fifteen spread over weeks. Whenever I have free time if I’m not working on it I’m thinking about it, how I can improve it and so on.

I want to actually finish the project soon and present it. But the target of the gesture… I don’t know if they’ll accept it, if they’ll reject it, if they’ll end up cutting me out like so many others have before…

Ugh… Anyway, onto happier things, I started looking into  web design a little further. Two out of the three CMS’s that I tried installed cleanly and I’ve been trying them out. So far I haven’t really done much other than change some colours but considering that the last time I looked at them I didn’t even get that far (My mind was not in a good place) it’s progress.