Nothing personal and something intimate

There are two sides to this post. It’s one that I’ve been thinking about for a while, but at the same time one that’s only come to me now.

The first part is simple. I don’t talk to people. There are a very limited number of people who I can handle at any one time. Currently my limit is three. Beyond that my mind starts to drain, I start to get unstable and I end up becoming snappy and unpleasant. And so I avoid interaction with anyone beyond the three people who I can easily talk to without freaking out.

This is important for me. When my mind does snap (when the snappy and unpleasant doesn’t chase people away) then I can’t even maintain a civil conversation with one person and so I suffer, and so does everyone around me.

Why does this matter?

Because there are a couple of people currently who I haven’t responded to. They pushed too hard and I shut down as a result. I had to reboot and ignore them to be able to maintain my own sanity. Which is why I say it’s nothing personal. It’s not their fault, they are trying to be friendly, but I am incapable of that right now.

Which brings me to the latter subject. I’m starting to struggle. That’s what my reboots have told me. Something in my life is draining me and where I can normally handle short jolts of conversation with certain people, now I can not.

I’m also becoming reliant on a couple of people, and of late those people have been experiencing their own struggles. This has led to them pushing me away, in one case really hard and almost intentionally, in the other politely but definitely intentionally.

Now, I do understand what they’re going through, after all I described the same process above, but to have it happen to me, and now when my mind is already unravelling, it’s not ideal.

So what does this mean for me?

Nothing right now. I’m not going to just back down and give up. But if I don’t manage to turn things around soon, it might mean curling up in a corner, closing myself off to everything and fading for a long, long while.

Let’s hope it doesn’t come to that.

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