This is a difficult post to write for a few reasons. First off, my current physical state. I’m trying to focus but an unable, my head feels like it’s swimming, my hearing is muted somehow and I feel just generally ill. There are any number of things that could be causing it but I suspect no matter what explanations I might find for myself, none of them are actually going to be accurate.
Or at least, none of the ones I would be easily willing to admit to would be accurate.
I think the truth is that my physical state is a side effect of the heading. Tonight has been odd in that it started high and I’ve been dragged low by three people in three different ways.
The first person just doesn’t listen. Their enthusiasm leads them to ignore anything outside of a perfect situation as far as their subject of discussion is concerned. This person and I are working on a project together but it often feels like I’m the retarded sidekick who can’t get anything right. I don’t know if it’s because of the way he views me, or because he doesn’t understand, but he seems to expect me to just be able to do some of the things he can right off the bat even though it took him weeks and months to perfect what he is wanting me to try.
The second person is non-committal, putting no effort into the conversation at all. One word answers, short phrases that actually don’t mean anything and responses that seem completely dismissive are categorising that conversation. It makes me feel like I’m in the way and unwanted. I know it’s not the case but how else am I supposed to read it.
The final person has actually hurt me. We were discussing a topic that I’ll admit was not an entirely pleasant one. This person is someone who I trust to be honest with me, who I trust to talk things through with me.
Instead they snapped at me and then turned to self-deprecation. Although I know that the latter is not meant the way it’s coming across I still feel the passive aggressive side of it. The statements that are my own words twisted and turned back to stab me with.
And the part the drives me to anger even when it’s not on a bad night. I can’t stand when people run away, whether physically or mentally or emotionally. It drives me insane. Face your problems, don’t run. If you run, they’re still there and all it’s doing is tiring you out while the problem grows stronger.
And don’t ever run from me.
Running from me means that I’m the problem. And that kills me. Running from me hurts like nothing else in my life and when that much pain drives itself into me I don’t react well, I react like anyone would when they’re cornered and alone and afraid. Everything coalesces into anger and action.
Tonight I stopped the second one, and I dampened the first. The person who did this to me is too important for me to allow my own stupid instincts to ruin, so I bit back and focused on this so that maybe I can show it to them and they can understand.
I want to break the habit and turn it into something good.
Even if that means dealing with the pain.