Dream Big and Run

So, let’s start with the the first part of the title. Dream big.

A good friend of mine is a little demoralised by something that keeps happening to her, an event that she keeps gearing herself up for that keeps falling through. My advice was accept it, but there’s more to it than that.

People always say dream big, because if you don’t you’ll never achieve anything big… which is all well and good but they tend to forget that when you’re telling someone that, you really should assume they’re stupid. (I was as well.)

You see, people hear dream big and so they do that. But the problem is, they do only that. They have this big life goal and they make it something that ‘must’ happen. But what they don’t do it look at how to get there. Sure they’ll get a job and save up and so on, and some people will even plan a little, but they don’t actually have goals that are achievable that will lead up to their big dream.

And so they waft, waiting for the circumstances to be right, never achieving their goal and often, never achieving anything else either (or at least, nothing they would count)

So far, so negative.

What I realised today is this: I had a goal, it wasn’t big by most people’s standards but it was very important for me.

And I failed.

It was only recently that I broke it down. I set myself lots of little goals that would make the big goal if not a reality then a very definite possibility. And to my amazement it worked. Something about making these smaller goals made the bigger goal that much easier to approach and that much less intimidating. I’ve made progress on my big goal and I’m even thinking that one of my other goals which I had written off might actually be within reach rather than a pipe dream.

So my advice is this: Dream big, go for it, because those people were right, dreaming big allows you to achieve great things.

But remember to break it down into things you can achieve now and in the short term and when you have created the circumstances for the big thing to happen, then it will happen.

 

Right, now into the second part.

I struggle with some interesting issues. Mentally I am quite unstable and there are many times where to try and heal myself, I start to reject everything. It’s why since December last year I’ve struggled to do anything at all. I’m demoralised and afraid and my mind is trying to fix itself by shutting down.

Unfortunately even though over the holidays I got a decent amount of rest, I didn’t deal with whatever it was that has been bugging me. Instead I avoided it, I ran from my problems and found myself in whatever world my games took place in.

Currently I haven’t fixed that cycle. I’m tired, scared of everything and everyone and overwhelmed the moment someone say ‘hi’ to me. Since I work in IT, and work with people all day every day, this is a problem.

It means that every friend who messages me triggers that overwhelmed feeling, and so every message has the chance of sending me over the edge and when that finally does happen, I don’t know where I will run to. Already my mind is screaming at me to get out, to leave, to go somewhere where no one will find me.

Except that when it says that it’s not actually suggesting that I do that at all. It’s telling me something very specific, something that honestly I don’t want to do. I have options on alternate lives, things I can do that would completely change everything I know and in some ways things would be better for me.

But I don’t want to do that, because although change might be a good idea, I have a very real feeling that if I ever take the most prominent alternate path I would probably end up hating it and loathing myself, which could trigger other responses beyond just the ‘run’ one I’m currently facing.

But on the other hand the ‘run’ option is attractive for a number of reasons. My mind claims that I will be more free, less pressured, more able to calm down.

Except I know that it’s not true. I’ll have fewer releases, fewer ways to vent my own anxieties and on top of that the work that I could end up doing is likely to destroy my soul in a way that the distress I’m feeling now never will.

So I’m stuck, needing to run but with nowhere to go, and so I stay in one place and push everything else away. I run while not moving, neither forward nor back, desperately trying to find that place I need to be without really looking for it.

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