So how does one both write everything they think to write, as well as increase the frequency of the writing they’re already doing?
Honestly, I don’t know what’s the best way but I’m going to try and just write it piece at a time, save the draft and at the end of the week (which I still haven’t decided when that’ll be) I post whatever I’ve written. So here it goes.
Today has been interesting, my mind has been churning, going over a million things all at once, most of them inconsequential but a few of them things that I would love to pursue further. For the most part they are silly things, little projects here and there that should be easy enough to start up.
But then you get the bigger things, those things that I’d love to pursue but would be so bad for me and anyone around me that it stops me from even seriously considering them. Those things are the type that seem to be squirming over the top of all others at the moment. And the worst part is that certain surrounding circumstances are seriously suggesting that those horrible and good thoughts are likely to spill over soon.
For the sake of people who might be interested in the above, it didn’t work for me. My mind spun through things quickly enough but somehow none of it seemed to flow well enough for me to add to here. So I’ve decided to scrap this idea and just write when I feel like it. It means shorter posts sometimes but hopefully it will also mean more frequent posts.
One of the things that my mind has been spinning about was something that happened to me recently. Normally, or rather in most normal people, what happened would have led to one of two things. In my case, that thing would have been a progression of what had happened.
But my life is governed by a fear of failure, I’ve written about it before along with the impulsive nature of many of my decisions. One might think that the one precludes the other but unfortunately that’s not the case. The fear is deep enough that the first and foremost thought is always how wrong things would go.
Rejection is probably the form of failure I fear the most. Growing up as I did, outcast and rejected and teased, I expect it from most people and the pain that it causes, the memories it raises, are generally enough to stop me from even risking it.
But what happened that made my mind spin suggests that I won’t be rejected. An amazing night out, conversation that seemed to flow, a lack of judgement. I truly felt like I was welcome, which is rare when I go out.
But that wasn’t what set everything spinning. It was only when I decided to leave that my mind lost its way. I went to say bye to the people I was there with, got the standard round of salutations and then got to the person who had made me feel like I was welcome. I don’t know much about her, what I’ve seen has been on odd nights out or while she was working and so when I said cheers I sort of half waved.
And then she moved forward for a hug, which I returned.
This in itself isn’t really odd, I enjoy hugs as a form of salutation. I come from a mostly Afrikaans background when it comes to social gatherings and so hugs and kisses are standard. Obviously since this wasn’t family the kisses were out of the question.
What set me off was the lingering nature of the hug, a hand trailing down my side and not quite pulling away. I dismissed it, I was convinced I was reading into nothing.
And yet a couple of minutes later, after someone tried to convince me to stay (which I couldn’t due to work) we parted ways again. And again there was a hug, and again there was that lingering hold.
I haven’t been able to stop thinking about it since.
Hopefully this will help.