Technically this post is late, by about 46 minutes my time. It should have been here sometime today but I’ve only just gotten home and so I’m writing it now.
Luckily, I finished the chapter of The Fallen last week so I don’t have to worry about that.
I’ve wanted to write three blog posts over the last couple of weeks. Somehow I’ve just not had the time, either because people have visited or because something else get in the way. So to the best of my ability I’m going to write them tonight.
Let’s start with age. I have a few friends that are far younger than me, and although they are technically adults, I don’t really see them as such for various reasons. Expected immaturity aside they might not look old enough or various other equally trivial reasons.
This week I had a moment where I looked at one of these friends and suddenly realised that actually, she is an adult. It made me awkward and silly and immature, a state that often happens when I am suddenly faced with a new side of someone I know. I don’t know how to deal with people normally so when I suddenly have to learn someone new quickly I panic and revert to who knows when…
Normally I can catch it quickly enough, and then I merely mirror whoever is in front of me and that helps a lot.
But especially if I actually value the person I can’t catch it and I spiral into what is to me idiocy. Unfortunately that’s what happened this week.
Speaking of mirroring, I had a situation this week where there was nothing to mirror. I suspect that this person does the same as what I do, mirroring the current level of etiquette and so not appearing rude.
Unfortunately I found that with someone else there who doesn’t actually fit into that level I ended up trying to mirror her, which in the end meant she mirrored me and so we ended up and least in my mind being completely out of sync with the other two attendees of this particular evening. It ended in a very awkward uncertainty about how we should salute each other goodbye. The result, a failure to actually do anything because it was more comfortable for both of us to just walk off after we both started with hands bearing forward, suggestions of a hug and then finally giving up when there was no true advance from either side.
That first step from the other person that I rely on for my social cues just never came.
Which brings me to class.
Now, I was always brought up learning good manners. I’ve seen in my adult life that this included a fair amount of high-class etiquette even though so far as my life is concerned I’ve never really been anywhere near there.
At school however as an outcast I was made to feel low class. The people around me were always talking about the things that they were getting as they came out. I was lucky if I got them a couple of years down the line. And so class has become a big things for me, even if there really isn’t a difference that anyone can see I almost always feel lower class to people.
Unless they’re awful.
So for me to mingle with the people who can appreciate me is difficult, because they all tend to be of the higher class. I always feel like an imposter, like I don’t belong and when that thought eventually catches up to me, it tends to make me sabotage myself.
As I said before, I mirror when I don’t know what I’m doing so luckily even when I sabotage I can still normally even out again but those moments when I do lose it, when the awkwardness is around someone I’m already slightly awkward around for some other reason…. Those moments never fade away.
Oh right, one more thing. I played board games with a new group of people tonight. It really was an amazing experience, although it did take quite a while for people to settle into the games. In the end I had a lot of fun and I’m pretty sure I wasn’t the only one.
I really do look forward to it happening again.
Anyway, on to the story and below as usual are the links. I hope you enjoy it.
The full link:
And as before, my email address is on the about page if you’d like to donate to me.