Webs, Crushes and Fear

It’s been a while since I last posted; between being worn out from work, a couple of mild anxiety attacks and just being plain tired I haven’t really taken part in anything creative for a while.

I’ve had ideas, that’s not where the issue comes in, and what’s most frustrating is the fact that many of the ideas have actually been really good. Two of them I’m hoping to start to get a move on.

I wrote a story once that I’m not sure if I still have a copy of somewhere (A crypto virus ripped through my computer and by the time I identified it the site that could decrypt it was closed down). It was mostly about the main character’s actions with a fallen angel. I’d like to try and rewrite it from my current point in life. I always enjoyed that story, and it’s one of the few that I actually completed.

The other idea is a sort of work in progress publishing thing. Probably with the above story I was thinking of sticking a donate button somewhere and then writing the story piece by piece, publishing it into e-book format as I go along and essentially asking the community to edit it with regards to bad grammar, awkward sections and poor spelling.

But anyway, onto the subjects in the title, I’ll start with fear since the other two kind of feed off of that one.

A lot of my life is governed by fear. Much of my motivation is sapped by it. Specifically the fear of failure. Although there are many fears that affect me, most of them I can overcome.

But my fear of failure somehow stops me from even trying to do things. The two ideas above would already be going if it weren’t the fear involved in starting something like that. “What if I can’t produce a section each month/week/whatever?”; “What if people don’t like it?”; “Will I be able to keep going if no one responds?”

I know that the answer is normally positive but even though my mind tells me I’m being silly for letting all that stop me, it doesn’t change that it does stop me.

Which brings me onto the webs. The webs are my mind’s way of exploring a situation or possibility, no matter how vague. They start at now and then my mind has conversations and envisages paths down which the situation could move. Eventually if I step back mentally and look at the constructs they look like webs.

The most common webs are people related ones. Of course lately those don’t happen too often, they got too intricate and messed up a couple of friendships which I am only now starting to become comfortable with.

But those webs are starting to form again, which brings me to crushes.

Of which I have three.

One is one that was destroyed by a web before, so the fact that a web is re-forming around it is kind of worrying.

One is one that has been hidden deep for a very long time. It’s the oldest crush and that web is frayed and weak, unable to actually truly form because I’ve convinced myself that nothing could ever happen because nothing ever has.

And the third is the worst one. It could destroy many lives if the first strand is laid out as I see it in my head.

The problem with these webs is apart from the first one mentioned here, my webs have almost always been accurate. Which means the second two might actually form and solidify… The two that I don’t want to go near.

Anyway, there it is, my mind on the table for all to see. I’m pretty lost at the moment so if anyone replies I’ll gladly have a discussion with you. 🙂


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